I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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