Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
