i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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