I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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