Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
