Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
