Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
