If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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