my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
please don't ironically join a cult
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