My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
