Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
