We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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