so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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