Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
