fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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