omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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