it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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