You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
