Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
