My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
