I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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