Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
