Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My ass is underappreciated
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
