I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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