shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
