I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
