That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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