My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
