My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
