I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
