Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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