I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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