there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
