I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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