I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
