so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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