Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
