i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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