At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
