Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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