If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
