Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
