you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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