I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
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