We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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