I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
