he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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