took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I cut my penus on the lid.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
