I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize