Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
What a dumb baby whore.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
