she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize