and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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