if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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