Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Princesses don't give blow jobs
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
is it fun? or sober?
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