I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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