You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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