I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
