last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
