he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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