Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
