quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
