Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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