Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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