trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
