This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
