Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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