i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
